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The Secrets to a Life of Drinking and Partying Without Regret: Wise Words From a Seasoned Expert

There is a wrong way and a right way to do things. Especially when music, people, heightened emotions, alcohol and drugs are involved.

After clubbing for over 5 years, I’ve discovered a handful of methods to enjoy nightlife more without my body and mind not being able to keep up with a larger than life lifestyle. I’ve reached such a point of no return to a former mundane 9-5 lifestyle that today I currently look exactly like this.


Artist depiction may be slightly exaggerated

The following is a few gems of wisdom collected by an advanced clubber who learned from the fuckups of their amateur ways.

Drunk Texting.

Now that the world knows the NSA is monitoring every message sent globally, there’s no doubt all the drunk text messages we’ve sent aren’t all saved in a folder that’s at least a trillion gigs in size and exponentially growing. But is this really a bad thing? Science doesn’t think so, according to Bruce Bartholow, psychology professor at the University of Missouri, Columbia, says it’s not that drinking alcohol to excess makes you unaware of what you’re doing—it’s just that it makes you not give a fuck about any repercussions.

Letting the stigma of drunk texting limit us.

So in other words, the more you drunk text, the braver and more courageous we all are at facing the darkest corners of our lives; admitting true feelings about friends, exes, family, hell, even our parole officers. I used to only drunk text maybe 1-2 people a month, but now that I know not drunk texting is cowardly, you’ll be receiving 3 am texts from me on a daily basis. I’ll even go into my phone settings to turn on the keyboard clicking sound effect so everyone around me knows my bravery levels are about to skyrocket!

Freeing the inner warrior 

“That’s my song!” No, EVERY Song is Your Song.

Music is the judge, jury and executioner of good vibes electrifying everyone’s body and mind throughout the night. But going into the club with preconceived notions of what is “good” and “bad” music to get lost in can limit your chances of experiencing a constant flowing endorphin powered ecstasy. Oh, and also tainting the actual ecstasy you took 5 minutes ago while you hoped a liquid dubstep track was next.

Waiting for a song you like, aka anything that is liquid dubstep

Your favourite dance tracklist should look a little something like this:









You know why? That image contains the entire alphabet. Which means it has the ability to spell every song ever played in the club, which is all your songs from now on.

After learning this you’ll enjoy every tempo and rhythm choice the DJ makes. More importantly, you won’t run the risk of bothering the DJ by requesting songs that totally ignore the fact that everybody didn’t show up to listen to your Bryan Adams drill and bass remix playlist.









Fuck The Cover Charge.

How many times have you not gone into a venue just because you didn’t want to pay the petty cover charge? This is more than just being cheap, it’s an unnecessary attitude that robs you from experiencing events you would rather be in than some “free before 10 pm” event. You want a free experience that leaves you stickier and smelling foreign? Go get free cologne samples from the perfume section in malls, that’s the same impression people get when you boast stories about getting into lame auto syncing David Guetta ear infection playlists that practically feel like everyone is experiencing a bukake of lazy DJing. Cover charge is $15? Throw the bouncer a $20.


Don’t Let Your Pride And Balls Feel Bitch Slapped When You’re Shot Down.

Knowing boundaries and being aware of negative body language from potential mates when flirting is important. But clubbers in their 1st, 3rd and even 6th year of chasing bulges or tail isn’t exactly a hot topic among socially retarded people. At some point in your travels while club hopping, you should pledge a promise to yourself that you won’t end up being obnoxious or annoying to people you want to take home and “play chess with” nah mean? Don’t be a shark.

Women avoiding fuckboys in the club.

Learning To Tolerate Waiting In Line.

Here is proof that clubbing can teach life values. Your future children can benefit from wisdom you share from your experiences, specifically coming from the agony and despair that you feel when waiting in line cause the bouncer is a human turtle. Don’t believe me? Here’s the most famous moment of all time about being refused to go in anywhere, and when closely examined, you realize it was actually about waiting in long lines.

“You cannot pass,” he said. The orcs stood still, and a dead silence fell. “I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Leave it to the author of The Lord of The Rings, the longest story about walking and waiting for friends to help you, to accurately compare the feeling of waiting in line like it’s the seventh circle of hell. “The Secret Fire?” That clearly sounds like a new club opening soon. In this example, the orcs are you and your buddies, and who’s the bouncer? Well of course it’s that bastard Gandalf. How many times has a bouncer shut you and your friends down with these words? 







Especially when you decided you don’t need to bring anybody to meet new people. But waiting alone in line can feel even longer as you watch everyone around you pace back and forth like their minds were raped by the ghost of impatience.

Or just download Xceed, an app that spits on waiting times by providing a service that lets you skip lines altogether with optional bottled service. You can even buy tickets outside the club when you arrive, so when your group finally decides on a venue, you can all ditch the non-Xceed peasants rotting on the sidewalk.

Drink More Water (So You Can Consume More Alcohol And Drugs)

Alcohol is a diuretic, meaning it makes you pee more, which leads to dehydration as the major cause of hangovers and feeling sick. Which is why water is your best friend. After years of believing drinking water is a no-no for fear of less space for alcohol, knowing this tip will actually allow you to function properly for longer periods of time while getting caked out of your mind.

Partying More = The Middle Finger To A Boring Life.

Growing tired of partying isn’t because you partied too hard, or developing erectile dysfunction for having fun. Like everything else, having the right tools to do things smart will lead to bigger gains and returns.

More drunk texting

More dancing

More mingling

More alcohol

More drugs

Less lines

Less ego-tripping


A life filled with real fulfilment and less time spent on Instagram accounts dedicated to posting generic motivational quotes about waking up at 5 am to kiss fresh grass in a forest. Many people at the end of their days feel sorry and regretful for not doing enough, who knew eating kale wasn’t the solution for everything? Follow these guidelines and one day you’ll earn the right to send a special letter to everything in life that tried to stop you from partying more.

Once you know the basics, you’ll be able to handle anything those strobe lights throw at you. Go out there and make your future children proud.

You at the age of 80 receiving the “Clubber of a Lifetime” achievement award.

Don’t be that guy, that guy that hides in the shadows, that guy that gets to work on time everyday. Be the guy that can look back on life with full satisfaction and fulfilment.



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